有时候我想跳舞

i keep having this dream, it takes place on the night i left kalamazoo. nothing special, its just a memory in dream format. 

i pack all my things, after everyone goes to sleep in the gibbs house. i sit and wait, triple checking my visa, passport, plane ticket and other odds and ends. i re-write my letter to my family, for the sixth time. i re-write another letter, which i never gave to chul u. and i sit there, going over the plan in my head. i have never been so afraid and excited in my life. i want to wake my roommates and confess. 

at around 3 am, i move all my belongings to the car ever so quietly. i sit in my room for the last time, thinking. read my letter to the house, look through my room once more and leave.

i drive to fourth coast. i avoid talking to a few people, and confess my adventure to Rich(the awesome WMU prof thats always in 4th coast late at night). he admits its a bit crazy, but that he admires me for doing it. my fear fades and my excitement builds. i drink my coffee. i stare. i leave.

4:40 am, i drive to my parents house. i place the letter in the mailbox, and my heart seems to stop. i am a villain in this moment. i stop the car to go inside and confess to my mother and father what i am about to do. but i can't. i drive away trying not to cry.

5:20 am, i am outside of chul-us place. i walk to the door. i cant seem to find my heart, i walk away unable to leave his letter. i am a thief in this moment. i sit in my car, wanting to go inside and confess. i drive away trying not to admit how afraid i am.

i drive around kalamazoo, by my old apartments, by my old hangouts, by anyplace i have a significant memory of. trying to recapture every memory that kalamazoo ever gave me. part of me never wanted to forget, and part of me never wanted to see those things again. i listened to the creek drank the cradle by iron and wine. 

6:30 ish, i park in the long term parking at the airport. place all my things on the ground behind the car. checking to make sure i have everything. checking a third, fourth, and fifth time. i tuck another letter, money, and the key into the visor. i lock the doors. i shut the doors, checking that they are all locked. i check a third, fourth, and fifth time. i pick up my things and walk slowly into the airport.

the airport is empty and my flight wont leave until 8:15. i am convinced i will be discovered before i can leave. i sit in the corner, far from the view of the waiting area windows. i wait, wondering what my 40 hour plane ride will be like, and wondering what happens after that plane ride. 

finally, i board. the dream stops, and i wake up here.